Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Alone In The Desert (cont'd.)

Hello again! This is a great place to journal and so glad I can blog my adoption story here. Actually by telling my own story, I hope I can help other’s too while still going through the journey myself. I also just lost my father (my a-father, who I consider my "real" father) in January of this year. I'm missing him and going through some grief/sorrow about that too. He was the closest parent I've had. I was his daughter in that we bonded, even though he wasn't my blood. I truly love him. Thanks Dad for being there and for being my dad, my pal, my friend!! I truly want to thank those who wrote in and are supporting my journey. I also support you! Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing too. It makes me feel like I belong somewhere in your life too.

Ok, to continue with the story (deep breath):

My CI put L and I in touch through letters after L signed the necessary papers for the court to see she was accepting contact from me. Can you believe the court has to see the signed paper by her and then approve our contact first before we could actually start receiving letters from each other? Isn’t this country the “Land of the Free”? I guess not for adoptees.

The first letter from her was very factual, no emotion whatsoever. When I received it, I was a little disappointed that I didn’t hear something like; “Hello Sweetheart, I have missed you very much and I’m so glad you contacted me!”

Dang, no such luck!! (Well, later after I "suggested" to her that's what I needed to hear, she did tell me she missed me and everything was good, for awhile anyway. But that's in another post.) Yes, yes, I know, those dang “HIGH” expectations that I had.

My life and future were put in the hands of a Catholic Charities closed adoption, never to know my family, my roots, my heritage. My birthright was taken away from me before I was even born, and on top of that, I'm told I shouldn’t have expectations of having warm or kind words from my birth mother 37 years later? I'm told I should just be happy that she excepted contact.

I wanted more!! I WANTED more than facts. I wanted to be loved! I wanted to know I was loved. I wanted to know I was never forgotten/always remembered, always in my mom's heart.

Whoever is reading this blog and if you were not adopted, I would recommend you don’t judge me for having expectations. I LONGED FOR MY MOTHER for so many years. Perhaps you always knew yours, so you take it for granted, as well as your heritage, your identity, the fact that you never had to search or look in the mirror and say, “Who the hell am I and where did I come from. Where are my people?” Also, there are adoptees who are in reunion that see their "people" as strangers and want and need to take it slow knowing them. Well, I was one of those who gave myself away too soon, too quickly. I didn't protect myself.

So, back to her initial letter. She did give me facts as she remembered them to be. My letter to her was more on the emotional level, but that’s me. I wear my heart on my sleeve usually, letting my good de"fences" down. But I’m learning in therapy that “good fences, make good neighbors”. Not walls, but good and clear boundaries which keep you in a better place with yourself and others. Well, I just didn’t have those tools or that knowledge at the time. All I had was, my dream came true (my fantasy), I met my birth family that I had pined for, for so many years.

We had our first phone conversation after I had sent her my first letter. I gave her all of my identifying info, (real name, address, phone number, etc.). I even sent her a phone card. The day she received my letter, I got a phone call from her. We spoke for 4 hours that evening. It just so happened that her husband had taken their grandson on a camping trip and she had the entire evening to herself. We talked about sooooooooooooooo many things, and I actually liked her. I really enjoyed hearing her voice. It was calm and soothing. I kept thinking I was the luckiest person, like had won the lotto. I could finally hear my mother's voice. Ah hell, I'm waaaaay too sentimental, but that's me!!! Anyway, that was on a Monday night that we talked. By Tues. night she called me and said she TOLD HER HUSBAND and her son! OMG!!!!! I freaked. I wasn't ready for that, and mostly, I was concerned if she was ready for it. At least I had a year to think about things and different scenerios. She didn't.

Ugh, this is so hard. I need to say goodnight. There is always manana!


Blogger Marie Jarrell said...

No, you're NOT sentimental, just badly hurt. And when you want something so bad it hurts, it puts you at a clear disadvantage. That's exactly what happened to me. Only my natural mother was dead when I finally finished the search. So I wound up putting all my longing into the aunt/uncle/sibling/cousin/niece/nephew basket. My aunt died 8 months after I found her. And my sibs couldn't care less about my existence. I guess I just expected way, way too much. So...I know how ya feel, sweetie. It really sucks.

Wednesday, 05 April, 2006  
Blogger aloneinthedesert said...

Thanks ECB,

You are a sweety, thanks for your reply. I am truly connecting to your blog, there is so much truth that I indentify with. I'm sooo sorry you didn't get to know your mother before she died.

I understand your longing, thank you for understanding mine. My sibs also could care less about my existence. Yes, so sad...........I'm sorry too. My heart goes out to you.

Hugs xo

Wednesday, 05 April, 2006  

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