Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Alone In The Desert

Thanks for dropping in here and reading my blog. I'm still on my journey, I feel that journaling here and sharing my story will help me sort things out and continue my healing process.

I found my birth mother 8 grueling years ago. I say grueling because my life since then has not been a bowl of cherries. It's been reallllllly challenging to my confidence, self-worth, self-esteem and to my very being. Those adoptees that are in acceptable to great reunions, all I can say is "I am sooooooo very happy for you! Congratulations, and may you find all the love, respect and healing that you deserve!!" I wish the same joy and healing for all birth family members who have embraced "their lost one."

I was adopted 17 days after my birth in the late 50's. I was never told I was adopted by my adoptive parents, but I knew at age 6 because the kids at school would tease me that I was adopted. I remember going home from school, asking my mom if it were true and she always denied it. When I was 12 I got the courage to ask my brother who was 9 years older than me. He reluctantly told me the truth. I was pissed that my adoptive parents never told me. I don't think they were trying to protect me from the truth, but to pretend that "I was their's and that's all that mattered". I guess in that era, a-parents were told it would be best to keep it a secret, so my adoption was a taboo subject, never to be talked about. Although at the age of 15, I did mention it to my mom that I knew. She did not acknowledge my knowing. Once again, I found that talking about it was shut down faster than a run-away train.

When I was a little girl, I remember many times day-dreaming of the day my mother would come for me. You see, I was abused (mentally/emotionally by my a-mother) and also experienced domestic violence, my parents fought with each other violently and frequently. Please let me clarify that I am not a victim anymore. It's made me a better person and it's given me many lesson's learned I will have with me for the rest of my life.

As I grew into my teens, I felt I had accepted the fact that my birth mother was never going to find me and I had no way of finding her, I didn't even have a name to go by. I became indifferent towards my adoption, not really thinking about her or where I came from. I was so proud that I had survived my childhood. I grew up just fine without her, thank you very much!

I married at the age of 19, and the feelings of wanting to know my birth mother came back again as I was contemplating having children of my own. I deperately wanted a child, but never became pregnant. As I faced my infertility, I considered adoption, but could never adopt a child as I felt I could not help him/her face the loss, hell, I never even faced my own loss. As a child or even a young adult, I was never allowed to talk about or work through my grief and TREMENDOUS loss I felt for my identity and birth family.

In my late twenties, shortly after my divorce, I searched again with no luck in locating my birth family, so I dropped it. Once again in my late 30's, the desire came back even stronger to search with resolve that I WOULD find them this time. When I was 36, my a-father (bless his soul), without my a-mother knowing, gave me my adoption decree and it had my "original" last name. That started it all. I searched relentlessly for a year, hitting dead end after dead end, finally deciding to hire a CI (confidential intermediary).

Now to 1998, I was 37 at the time. My CI phoned me after about two weeks into her search. She said: "I found your mother, I'm going to make the phone call. Are you ready? If I do reach her, I will call you back in 30 minutes or less".

After telling her I was ready for her to make contact and hanging up with her, I immediately went to my knees, thanking God that my mother was found and also praying that she would want contact with me. 30 minutes turned into 31 minutes, then 32,33,34,35 minutes. Finally after 45 minutes, the phone rang. It was my CI. My birth mother (I will call her "L" from now on), answered the phone and told my CI that she was most likely the woman we were looking for. It turned out that she wanted to exchange letters with me, but wanted to remain anonymous because she had not told her husband and children, she had told no one, not one single soul in her immediate or extended family or any of her friends. Anyway, she felt she owed me at least my heritage and medical info.

I'm glad she felt that way, needless to say, my hopes and dreams were coming true. My MOTHER was found, she's alive!! And of what the CI told me, she said my mother sounded quite LOVELY!! Wow!!! I was on cloud nine...................oh happy day!!! I felt beautiful, I felt whole, I felt relieved that my search had ended. Well, the search might have ended, but the story is just beginning.


Blogger KarenEileen said...

Please keep writing. Your story is very intriguing. I'm an adoptee. Always knew, found both parents, b-mom didn't know what to do with me, b-dad doesn't remember due to a stroke four years ago. So sad.

Tuesday, 04 April, 2006  
Blogger Marie Jarrell said...

I want to read the rest of your story. So happy for you that you made contact, at least. The thing about aparents'(seems like it's mostly the amother) secrecy really reflects their deep insecurity about themselves and their inadequecies. But everyone is hurt by the evil secrecy. It all boils down to FEAR. What a sad, sad state of affairs. Keep writing. Big hug.

Tuesday, 04 April, 2006  
Blogger aloneinthedesert said...

Hi Karen,

Thanks for reading what I have so far. I will check out your story in more detail as I would like to know more also. I will keep writing as time permits me, so please keep checking back. Thanks for your feedback and your comment. Hugs to you.

Hi Empty Cerial Box,

Great name!! I am enjoying reading your blog too, so very sad, but I'm glad we have a place to write and vent. Yes, about amothers, mine in particular and I'm sure many others seem to carry deep insecurities. Uhg!! Please keep writing also. Thanks so much for your comment too. I feel blessed that I am able to tell my story and have a voice. We all need a voice and someone to listen!! Big Hugs too.

Wednesday, 05 April, 2006  
Blogger Gwendolyn C. Natusch said...

Alone in the desert -

I believe in the power of telling your story. I believe that in the telling we reclaim ourselves. Putting the pieces together and tying it together with truth really is a means of healing ourselves and finding a firm sense of identity which is less wind blown by the breezes of uncertain heritage, family connections, and wobbly knowings around our value and belonging in these biological and adopted circles we call family. How complicated it is to be connected to so many in such delicate and intricate ways. It is a lot to catalog, maintain, and to love. Our efforts are valantly given and we work so hard for the connections that we do make that are meaningful....do biological families know that we work so hard just to feel like we aren't from another planet? So glad that you are writing your story on line...healing...for yourself and for those who read your story and listen to its content. Thank you...for your courage and your honesty...

Saturday, 08 April, 2006  
Blogger Gwendolyn C. Natusch said...

Alone in the Desert -

Thanks for telling your story...it is the beginning and I will watch as you move through the telling of it. I do believe that telling our stories is an act of reclamation of self. It is the desire and manefestation of claiming ourselves and coming to terms with understanding who we are in the world and how we stand in our own authenticity. The reunion brings so many issues and so many truths. The process of integrating these into our very cells is indeed a profound process. It sounds like you have a lot of wisdom. Thanks for sharing your story thus far and for having the courage to be honest and forthcoming.


Saturday, 08 April, 2006  
Blogger aloneinthedesert said...

Hi Gwendolyn,

Thanks so much for your comments. I truly enjoyed reading your posts. Makes a lot of sense to me.

I have not written my story since meeting my birthfamily, I decided it was time to "take the plunge" so to speak. Yes, reclaiming oneself by telling their story and having a voice. I totally agree. I hope to continue working on the blog at least once a week.

Your words are so true! I also like where you said: "....do biological families know that we work so hard just to feel like we aren't from another planet?"

In my reunion, I was sure my b-family thought I was from Uranus and I came down to earth in the form of a big white elephant who landed in their living room.

I felt more and more uncomfortable in their home as time passed. I did try very hard to be L's daughter and my siblings sister, not Mork from Ork!! Hey, now there's a good username. ;-)

Thanks for your post to my blog, it truly means a lot. It's nice to hear your comments. :-)

Sunday, 09 April, 2006  

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